damaged

Hello!  A lot has happened…. I am over 200 pounds now…. BUT, I lost a lot of weight.. NEGATIVE weight that I had ben carrying around….. And now, although my neck and back have been getting worse, and I am taking care of my injuries first; I am more active… I now live in a place where there are sidewalks, so when I dont have flare ups, I can go for walks…. And, I have been spending a lot of time fishing which I consider to be my weight training because I am reeling up some heavy and fighting fish and I also cant sit still.. I also HIKE to my fishing my spots….. And, I got a gym membership….. I am off toa birthday party, but I felt the need to stop by.. OH, and I wanna make new friends….. So, I’m lookin to make a bunch of new friends!!!!!  I missed you all….

So, for 2 days in a row; I ate 3 meals!!!!  I had the multi-grain rice crispies for breakfast; and for lunch… oh wait.. I didn’t have lunch.. Okay, so make it 2 meals… BUT… I did have breakfast at like 11Am and had dinner at like 430/500.  And, I also had a snack…. So, its kinda liek 3 meals…. I did it for 2 days but have now been full for 2 days.. or at least feel full…. And cant not eat…. Today, all I ate was 1 piece of pizza (mom and step dad brought over pizza)… BUT, tomorrow I am making a big dinner… I am making stuffed Steak and mashed potatoes with green beans.  Instead of mashed potatoes I’ll be having a baked sweet potatoe…. And Thursday I am making Italian Sausage Ravioli… then for the weekend I will be in PA for the kids pageant, so I will be eating out…. Which means I prolly wont eat…..

I REALLY have to eat more… I need more calories… All day I have been feeling sick, weak and drained…. Yes, it can also be stress related… C’mon who wouldnt be stressed if they were still living with their soon to be ex husband and felt trapped??? But also, I am cleaning, packing, running aorund with the kids and the dogs.. and lucky if I’m getting 500 calories a day…. And I knwo I am still dehydrated….

Leah had the idea I was thinking.. those meal drinks…. Only problem is how expensive they are…. But, I also don’t want to end up back in the hospital… Did I tell you I ended up in the hospital twice withing a week requiring an IV b/c my blood pressure was about to crash both times? 

It’s gonna be so hard to ge tmy body out of starvation mode so I can actually start losing more weight…. So, when my “friend” gets back form Myrtle beach next week, I’ll ask him to get me some meal drinks…. I know he will b/c he is VERY worried about me and has gone out of his way to get me my favorite foods to try to get me to eat….

But, I’m gonna go check my e-mail and my myspace… then go to bed…. Good night…

*HUGS*

Faith

My mom posted a blog and having a few family members (on her side and my “fathers” side) pass from cancer and along with her beign my mom… I wanted to re-post what she wrote to help her get support for riding her bike for 20 miles for Roswell…. So, here is what she wrote and please let me knwo if you donate so I can thank you and so she can as well… Thank you.

*HUGS*

Faith…..

 Hey everyone I posted this in a blog but not sure how fast it will disappear to the second or third or farther back..I’m dong the Ride for Roswell this June to help fund cancer research here at Roswell Park Cancer Institute. I would be very grateful for any donations that you may be able to make to help me. I’ve included a link so you may make a donation online if you so choose. I thank you very much for helping me support this cause. If you would like to donate but don’t desire to do it online please message me and I will give you the address for mailing a donation. Once again thank you for your support
http://giving.roswellpark.org/netcommunity/riding4acure

It’s been a while… I’ve been not coming on here or coming on anywhere because I haven’t been on-line much lately… Some bad things happened and came to realize that leaving my husband is what’s best for both me and especially the kids.  And, since making the decision to leave by the end of school year; what I predicted would happen has been happening so I may be moving out sooner… So, I’ve been dealing with all that and trying to keep my head up but I’ve been in this deep dark hole and have been unable to get out of it thus far….

As for health and weight issues… I have been learning a lot in my nutrition class…. And a while ago, I wrote about how no matter how I try; I just can’t eat more than one meal a day for the most part… And when I try to eat, I will get sick…. Well, I found out that it isn’t just in my head like some people (my doctor) think it is… Well, technically it is…. It’s called Binge Eating and because I have been a binge eater for SO MANY years; it will take a lot of time to slowly get out of it…. It is considered to be an eating disoder and is classified the same as anerexia and bulimia… And liek bulimia; you make your self vomit enough, your body learns to do it automatically after you eat (after many years)…. So, like a person with bulimi’as body learnign that, my body is 100% stuck in starvation/binge mode which is why my body will tell me “No, dont eat” and if I do.. I get sick…. because my body dont think its time to eat…. And with the stress here; I have been eating a lot less and got sick…. Chronic dehydration is one of the side effects of binge eating.. and sure enough, a week ago I ended up requiring IV’s to hydrate me because I was so dehydrated that my blood pressure was about to crash but my heart was speeding up to prevent that form happening…. So, I was dizzy and short of breazth and felt like I was having a heart attack….. So, now I have to figure out where to go or who to talk to to help change this whole binge eating thing…. It’s not as simple as “just eating”… cause even drinking somehtign will make me sick when my body says its not time to eat…..

And, for those of you thinking about it…. This is not a good way to lose weight and you may lose a little weight to begin with… but once your body hits starvation mode; it will save every bite or sip of food you eat and turn it into fat and you will gain wiehg tand it will be too difficult to lsoe becasue your body will not want to get rid of it b/c it is in starvation mode…..

Also, I found I only take in about 400 calories a day.. but I burn almost 3000…. That is also not good….. But, maybe one the stress form ehre is gone I will do better…. I mean really.. I am starting over 100%….. Lifestyle changes, relationship changes, behavioral changes, standards changes, education changes, job changes, and living changes (I’m moving back to the city)….. So really, this is a good thing b/c I have a chance to change EVERYTHING 100%…..   I’m trying to think of all the positives to help get me out of this hole…..

So, I haven’t had a Tim Horton’s iced cap in well, I don’t knwo how long.  By not having one everyday like I used to, that takes more then 300 Calories out of my former daily diet (even though I never have enough calories to begin with).  So, when my mohter in law gave me a $5.00 Dunkin’ Donuts gift card that she got as a Valentine’s gift at work form one of the kids (she is a Tim Horton’s Fan all the way); I got so excited because well, my throat is killing me b/c I have really bad bronchitis (I was put on an anti biotic, a strong dose of pill steroids, an inhaled steroid and robatussin with codeine if that tells you how bad it is)…. Anyways, I was so excited because since since my throat started hurting liek this, and I have still been goign to job interviews and trying to find my husband a job; I have been bugging him to get me my strawberry bananna smoothie or mixed berry smoothie….. So, when I got the gift card, I was happy because he couldnt say no this time….

Well, I went in, and proudly ordered my healthy smoothie with extra yogurt…. THEY DON’T MAKE SMOOTHIES ANYMORE!!!!!!!!  NO MORE HEALTHY SMOOTHIES… What am I going to do this summer now??? No more of my smoothies…. Anyways…. they replaced the smoothie with what they call a coolata…. Now, don’t let it fool you.. it is basically a slushy….. pure sugar and ice….. I was so P/O’d….

But, on the brighter side, she said they have something that is like a tim hortons iced capp…. So, I said I would try it, I was sad…. I just wanted my healthy smoothie…. I was so looking forward to it… But, now, they take away the healthy stuff and put junk in front of it….

Well, I got the Tim Hortons iced capp type thing…. Not only is it BIGGER than a Tim Hortons I ced capp… But, it didn’t have big chunks of ice, it was creamy and it was GOOOOOOOOOD….. I’m not worrying about how many calories were in it b/c as my former personal trainer told me; “You shouldn’t stop having your iced capp rewards because honestly, with how little of calories you are getting a day, your body probably really needs them.”   What do you guys think about that????

Anyways…. If I want an iced capp and I am near Dunkin Donuts (there is only 1 around here), I will go there…. But, I AM STILL MAD AT THEM FOR GETTING RID OF MY SMOOTHIES AND REPLACING THEM WITH SLUSHIES!!!!!!!

Well, it is a good thing they put a Planet Smoothie up here FINALLY… thats the ONLY thing I missed about living in Atlanta….. is Planet Smoothie…. So, when our state taxes come it, and we go get Jaime her pageant beauty dress…. I am stopping at Planet Smoothie and Eric is NOT saying no… I WANT MY SMOOTHIE!!!!!!  Any suggestions on which one to get????

My daughter had her photo shoot… there is a sneak peak on the web site… www.punkydoodlebugs.com  and click on VIEW BLOG…. Thank you to everyone who voted… Jaime also won somethign that has to do with going into a beauty pagent…. And all I have to pay is $350.. instead of a crap load more…. So, I’m tryign to do that so she can hav fune.. its a fun pagent where all the kids leave with a prive.. and it includes the hotel stay….

 So, go chekc out her photo shoot….

So, I am a HUGE veggie eater.. I have NEVER came across a vegetable I DID NOT like… as a matter of fact, I don’t even put butter on ANY of my veggies… I’ve never been a big butter eater…. Plus, I like the non-greasyness of my veggies.. I like just putting spinache in a bowl, popping it in the microwave with NOTHING else in it and just eatign it… Did you know that spinache has a nice salty flavor??? So, if you are craving salt…. just do that…. <BR><BR>Anyways…. I was at my fave store to buy meat and veggies.. I got my meat package (which includes 5 pounds of bacon.. but bacon is good for you in moderation and a lot better for you than turkey bacon)… Anyways…. There was a sign that said WINTER SQUASH 40 CENTS A POUND… and, I LOVE squash.. like I said.. I have NEVER foudn a veggie I didn’t like… Same with fruit….. So, I got 1 butternut, 1 spaghetti, 1 acorn and 1 carnival squash (it was confirmed by my uncle that is was in fact carnival squash)…. So, I had my spaghetti squash.. no sugar, no butter, nothing… just in the microwave (which my husband didnt follow directions and blew it up)…. Then, the next day, I wanted to try the one I never had before… I wanted to try my carnival squash (which I found out form my uncle that it is a different squash that is a cross between multiple kinds of squash)…. I microwaved it liek I do all my other squash…. when it was done.. I took out the seeds and took it out of its skin…. I put it in the bowl and went to eat it… IT WAS AWEFUL… HORRIBLE aftertaste….. So, I did what I never thought I woudl do… I put butter on it…. Nope… More butter… nope.. some brown sugar… nope…. That certain taste that I cant explain woudl NOT go away….. So, I did another thing I NEVER thoguth I’d do….. I threw out my squash…. So, I FINALLY found a veggie I don’t like…. But, my uncle told me that it does have a lot different taste and its either you love it or you hate and well.. I hated it….. Oh, and I dont even eat my sweet potatoes with butter… and I eat the skin too….. NOTHING on my sweet potatoes…. <BR><BR>

Another thign I foudn out was while I was going through all my clothes…. I found a pair of instantly slimming khaki pants that I used to LOVE…. I held the up to fold them and my husabd said “UMMM, Hunny, I dont think those thigns will fit you anymore, I don’t think they will even stay up”.. and I bought these just 1 year ago….. So, I held them up to myself and next to me… and I actually agreed…. And my usband said that compared to those pants, I look like I am half the person….. So, tomorrow I am having him take a picture of me next to those pants and of course the pic will be up here….. I couldn’t believe it.. I mean, I knwo I’ve shrunk (not number wise so much, but size wise)…. but I didn’t knwo how much….. So, that was a major boost to my self esteem.. Now I’m not as self concious to go to my friends kids b-day party… I was friends with her from middle school throughout high school.. and she never saw me “heavy”….. So, I feel a lot better…. Plus, she put on a lot of weight… So, I shoudl be okay…. <BR><BR>Okay, I gotta go fill out job applications now… My husband isn’t goign to get unemployment…. it got denied…. Bye…

Jaime didn’t win… She got 2nd place which is a free photo session and a free 8X10 (most likely not worth driving that far for)…. Thank you to everyone to voted…

I know many people on here are fighting to eat healthier or maybe eat less.  I used to have that problem.  My problem is when I do something, I do it to the extreme.  For some reason, I can not find a middle ground.  It started off that I would cook cook cook and eat eat eat.  I was also an emotional eater.  I got up to 200 pounds.  I knew that was trouble.  And, I was doing the right thing…  I was eating healthy, exercising, and doing good emotionally.  Then, all hell broke loose (almost literally) in August… I didn’t eat for a while.  I lost a couple pounds, nothign much.  Then, I’d eat one meal a day.  Then, I had my back surgery and my pain meds made me sick… Back to not eating; I lost a LOT of weight (but could of also been I was retaining water or somethign form my injuries and the surgery let it loose)…. Eventually, I started TRYING to eat…. Nope, not working… For some reason, I’m just not hungry.  I even tried eating my favorite food; spinache…. and, I took a few bites than felt so full that I felt liek I was goin gto throw up… But, I tried doing the mind over matter type of thought and kept eating… well, I did throw up….

So, I did as my mom tells me, I listened to my body.. when it says I’m full, I’m full, don’t eat anymore…. Well, I just realized today that well; that’s not working.. Becuase now, I don’t even eat one full meal…. Yes, okay, I’m losing weight… But, I’m not doing it the right way…. I’m not eating.. but also, I’m not hungry…. I drink some water, tea, or the rare occcasion Tim HOrtons Coffe and I’m full…. And now, I cant even finish one Tim Hortons Coffee…. A half of one fills me up….. I’m not taking any diet pills, I’m not having meal replacements… none of that…. I actually think that MAYBE I should get like slim fast or some sort of meal replacement just so that my body will not be losing necessary nutrients and such…. Good idea??? I want to eat….. I got a free meal today at a restaurant (I gave them my son’s old box spring and bed frame and they gave us free lunch)….. It was at a BBQ place…. The food was AWESOME…. But, after just a couple bites…. I was stuffed and gave it to Eric to eat….. IDK…. Any thoughts???

I just got an e-mail, Jaime is still behind as of today…. This is my last time mentioning this because Saturday is the LAST day you can vote.  Please, if you read this, go vote for Jaime, the girl with the pink pom poms…. You DO NOT register for anything, you don’t have to give ANY information.  You just need to click on contestant I beleive 7 (blonde hair, blues eyes, pink pom poms, red shirt in front of a tree)…. That is my daughter; and click submit or vote or whatever… and that’s all.. you don’t even have to leave a comment (but you can if you choose to)…. ANd please, send the link to your friends and family…. And ask them to vote…. If you knwo me, then you know Jaime has health problems and has had it rough; so she deserves a bit of happiness…. Which is why I am so persistant…. So please, do what you can to help her win… And, if you are NOT on my friends list… PLEASE do add me… I accept all friends… I dont have many; on here or in real life…. Saturday is the LAST day to vote… So PLEASE PELASE PLEASE round up all the toops you can and please get anyone to go vote for her…. Here is the link

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http://punkydoodlebugs.com/blog/?p=306

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Thank you VERY much and I find out Monday if she wins or not… Oh, and if this makes you feel any better… I found out I did lose 5 more pounds… So, I get to go change my ticker now…. But righ tnow, putting a smile on her face is number one right now….